


Matrimonial Mayhem

by Bonfoi



Series: Severus Sighs 3rd Anniversary [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anniversary, Challenge Response, Community: severus_sighs, HP: EWE, Humor, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-28
Updated: 2013-01-28
Packaged: 2017-11-27 06:17:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/658856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bonfoi/pseuds/Bonfoi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Slytherins should be married on the sly, in a runaway manner, lest they irritate the world around them.  Or at least that’s what Harry Potter said.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Matrimonial Mayhem

**Author's Note:**

> **Challenge:** Severus_Sighs’ [Third Anniversary Celebration, including the actual date: 2 October 2011](http://asylums.insanejournal.com/severus_sighs/162360.html)  
>  **A/N:** Many thanks to Sighing Selkie for the beta, the kind words, and the speedy return. **Secret Prompt:** Severus Snape, Bridezilla

_Scheming and planning can only get you so far if your minions hate you._

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**_Disclaimer:_** The world of Harry Potter, its characters and settings are the copyrighted works of J.K. Rowling, Warner Bros., her publishing companies and affiliates. No profit was made from the writing of this story nor was any malice intended in any way, shape or form to the author or the actors/actresses who so brilliantly have brought them to life. 

This author is not responsible for underage readers. Please observe the ratings, warnings, and age of legal consent for your country.

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“No. Shall I repeat myself once more? No.”

Harry Potter rolled his eyes and slanted a look over at his boyfriend. When he’d agreed to stand for his boyfriend’s titular godfather, Harry had thought it was because the man was a Dark Wizard. He hadn’t known it was because the man was insufferable, as well as overly demanding.

“Snape,” Harry said carefully as he pinched the bridge of his nose, “this is the fourth, I repeat, the fourth caterer you’ve refused to meet.” He began ticking off points on his fingers. “The first one was a Voldemort sympathizer you remembered from your youth, so I can see avoiding him. The second was a woman who’d been part of an anti-werewolf petition, so, again, I can see denying her your custom—even though I have _no_ idea where you got that _private_ information. Third was poor Theo Nott, Snape, a boy you yourself had vouchsafed as—and I quote: ‘A timid enough swot who not only enjoys food, but could create a feast during a famine.’’’ He huffed a bit as he came to the last one, currently fleeing down the long drive of Malfoy Manor. “And then there’s Ginny Longbottom. Really, Snape, you actually _like_ her, being born a Weasley aside. Why on Earth did you tell her you’re allergic to good English fare and gingers?”

Draco Malfoy edged away from his beau and his godfather. His eyes were a bit wild. “Now, Harry…” 

“Don’t ‘Now, Harry’ me, Draco!” Harry shouted suddenly. 

Snape held out his hand and glared at the dullness of his middle fingernail. He polished it against his lapel, ignoring Harry’s diatribe.

“He’s not making any of this easy! Remus loves him, don’t ask me why, and I’d do anything to make the man and you happy, even standing up for, for, for…. Ooh! For Severus _sodding_ Snape!” he got out from behind gritted teeth. “But, _he’s_ got to bend a bit, or this wedding had better become an elopement, or by Merlin, I’ll turn it into a funeral!”

Harry strode out of the conservatory, barely restraining himself enough to open and close the doors instead of storming through them, leaded panes be damned! Draco watched helplessly, torn between his lover and his godfather.

“You’re being difficult on purpose, aren’t you, Severus?” Draco finally muttered. He saw the telltale flags high on Snape’s cheekbones and shook his head. “If you don’t want to wed Lupin, then be a man about it and set him, _us_ free. If this is your show of nerves, well, then all I can say is this cannot be more difficult than facing down Aunt Bellatrix when she was on a tear. Really!” Draco gave in to his nerves and darted after Harry, this time letting the doors slam behind his retreat.

~o~0~O~0~o~

“It’s too…” Severus let the words hang in the air, the look on his face saying volumes. All of them dissatisfied.

Madam Malkin shooed her assistants away. She’d come out of semi-retirement as a favor to Draco Malfoy, but she didn’t have to listen to a man she’d dressed as a boy from her seconds’ rack. 

“Snape,” she hissed politely, beckoning him closer with a crooked finger. When he drew near, she reached out in a flash and pulled him off the fitting pedestal. “Try your tricks on someone who cares, you ignorant fool. I’m far too old to pander to your whims. Either tell me what you want or accept what’s offered. Or, a third alternative? Go jump in the Thames. I don’t care either way, but that nice Mr. Lupin just might.” She let go of Snape’s sleeve and turned briskly on her heel.

An intrepid, if foolhardy, assistant stuck her head out of the dressing room and lost her eyebrows for her trouble. Other than her howls of indignation, only the slamming of Madam Malkin’s door could be heard.

~o~0~O~0~o~

Charlie Weasley and his brothers—George and Bill—stood between Severus Snape and their brother-in-law’s greenhouse. None of them was budging an inch as Snape meandered up the landscaped path to _Longbottom’s Blooming House_.

“You can just turn right around, Snape,” Charlie yelled out.

“Yeah!” agreed George. “I heard what you said to poor Ginny. Did ya think we’d let you hurt Neville’s feelings that way, too?”

Bill stepped forward, his scars reminding Severus of his Remus. “You aren’t welcome here, Mr. Snape. If you want anything from Neville’s gardens, I’d send Remus if I were you.”

Severus made to step around them, a sneer on his face. Unfortunately for him, that moment of bravado meant he was well-placed for one of Ginny’s infamous Bat Bogey hexes.

~o~0~O~0~o~

Remus stepped through the Floo gracefully, automatically brushing the Floo Powder residue from his robes. Collaborating with other _weres_ was a fulfilling job, but he’d missed his lover, even the preparations for their upcoming nuptials.

“Severus? Severus, I’m home,” Remus called out.

“Hail, the conquering hero,” Severus greeted him. The words were barely slurred, but Remus knew the telltale signs of Snape inebriation. He sniffed and followed the cloying scent of brandy to its source.

“What’s wrong, love?” Remus asked as he knelt at Severus’ feet. He waited, hands on his thighs, looking for the glance that would tell him it was all right to gather the other man into his arms.

“Wrong? What makes you think anything ish wrong, my dear Remus?” Severus took a gulp of something in a mug, a bit of the liquor sloshing as he gestured. “I’ve just been told I’m too demanding, too forthright, too damned much of a perfectionist when it comes to my wedding.” He leaned forward in his chair and stared blearily at Remus. “Can’t even buy potions ingredients from Longbotham, Longbottom ‘cause I made his fife, wife cry.”

Remus barely kept his hands down as Severus’ spoke. “Why didn’t you call me home, Severus? You knew I’d come. You’re more important than anything.”

“You _asked_ me to marry you. Not the way itsh done.” Severus fell back into the recesses of his deep chair, his mug tilted at a precarious angle. “My job, an’ I flucked it up.”

~o~0~O~0~o~

Remus held Severus until he fell asleep, and then slipped out of their bed. He crept across the heavily carpeted floor, stilling at each snuffling snore Severus let out until he’d rounded the door and pulled it shut behind him. “Oh, Merlin!” he muttered under his breath.

Severus slept on as Remus made firecall after firecall, until arrangements had been made. It was the wee hours of the morning when Remus finally slid back under the covers to Severus’ side, a tired smile on his face.

~o~0~O~0~o~

When Severus awoke, he was alone in bed, but Remus’ spot was still warm to the touch. The door to their _en suite_ bath was open a crack and steam was wafting out, the usual occurrence when Remus returned home from traveling abroad. Soaking in the quiet, and wincing at memories of his maudlin display of the night before, Severus moaned as his head let him know that Napoleon brandy was not his favorite beverage.

The water shut off with a soft clanging of pipes—Remus had charmed them as a reminder of his childhood home, much to Severus’ chagrin. Soon, a damp but clean man was crossing the floor to lie down on top of the covers and just stare deeply into Severus’ bleary eyes.

“Hello there,” Remus said softly. He leaned over and softly kissed Severus’ dry lips, a hand coming up to smooth away stray hairs from Severus’ face. “I missed you.”

“ _Hmph._ That’s to be expected. I am your affianced, after all.” Severus’ glanced at Remus through his eyelashes, a small smile showing he was teasing.

“Mm, yes, I like that.” Remus pressed closer and proceeded to snog Severus _properly_ awake. “Can’t wait to change that to husband, tho’.”

Severus blinked rapidly, trying to gather his scattered, sobering wits. “You, we…we’re getting married in two weeks…”

“No, Severus, after a lovely welcome home romp, we’re going to take a shower together, and, at two o’clock this afternoon, you and I will standing up in front of our friends to declare our intentions and our love.” Remus didn’t give Severus a chance to say anything as he squirmed under the covers, losing the towel he’d wrapped around his hips somewhere in the covers. Not that Severus minded _per se_ as arms filled with a loving, passionate werewolf named Remus were more often than not the prelude to mind-blowing orgasm and satiated rest.

Then Severus’ mind caught up with Remus’ words and he reared back. “What?!” he hissed.

Remus ignored his lover’s outrage and kept touching, smoothing his hands over familiar contours, tracing esoteric signs across old wounds, and making it difficult for Severus to concentrate and all-around _hard_ in all other respects. “I said,” Remus muttered against Severus’ chest, “that everyone’s ready for our marriage this afternoon. The only one I have to convince is you.” He suckled one and then other of Severus’ nipples making the man’s response an incoherent gurgle of sound.

For every argument Remus presented, he circumvented Severus’ thought processes with well-times caresses and judicious amounts of stroking and sucking. Soon, Severus was willing to go skyclad in the middle of Trafalgar Square if only Remus would let him orgasm. In fact, he was babbling as Remus’ touches grew more heated, firmer, deeper, and reached all those _special_ places inside Severus.

Remus continued making love to Severus, relaxing him as no one else could, until they groaned one after the other. It was only after—approximately an hour before their nuptials—that Severus realized just what had happened.

“You fixed things, didn’t you?” he said as he straightened Remus’ cravat. Remus grabbed his hands and raised up first the right and then the left to his lips for soft kisses. “As if that makes it all better,” he groused.

“I didn’t think it would be easy, but I know you wanted this to be special, Severus. I only did what I’ve learned from my Slytherin lover. You laid the groundwork. I just…nudged…everyone back into place.” Remus’ eyes positively twinkled.

Severus rolled his eyes. He kept it up until Remus leaned down and soundly kissed him. “They understood how much I’d piled on your strong shoulders and how much strain I’d put you under with all the plans and organizing everything.” Remus whispered into Severus’ ear, “They feel I put you through the wringer, love, and that getting us married will ease your burden.” His gentle laugh fluttered Severus’ hair.

“So the noble Gryffindor has sacrificed himself to make the crafty Slytherin look good, eh?” Severus asked with a haughty glance. “Well, then I guess I’d best make an honest man of you sooner rather than later.” He tugged Remus’ ear, pulling his lover closer. “Don’t ever let me plan another wedding again, Lupin, or I may have to maim you slightly.”

Remus laughed. “I never plan on it, but when Teddy’s grown, you might have to reconsider.”

Severus hexed his husband-to-be with a groan. Somehow, he didn’t think it detracted from Remus’ laughing eyes to be dancing down the aisle toward the minister, Severus following sedately. After all, a Slytherin had to maintain some decorum in these matters.

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_~~~ Comments, like rain in the desert, are greatly appreciated.  
Thank you for reading. ~~~_


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